Lately
I’ve been thinking about choices. Whether it’s your basic “What should I wear
today?” or a full on life changing type of choice, most decisions are based
upon the fact of knowing there are more than one alternatives to pick from.
You
see, the other day I went down memory lane as a result of being labeled through
Facebook on a school picture that was taken about 13 years ago. There I was,
this scrawny looking kid with a whole bunch of other also scrawny looking kids
as well. It was kind of fun seeing faces I hadn’t seen in over ten years and
realizing I wasn’t the only one who was going through an awkward phase at the
time.
Then
I realized, of the 42 students standing there staring at the camera, I believe
less than five of us made it out of my small hometown looking for better
opportunities and career choices. I was like, really? Is that it? Sadly, it is.
And of those who stayed, an even fewer number went on to study at the local
university.
Ok,
so it’s one thing to stay in a small town and work in whatever position one can
get hold of with limited academic education, but the one thing I can’t get over
is the fact that some of my female former classmates went through teen
pregnancy, two of them actually got pregnant a year after the picture was
taken. And the rest already have a family of their own supporting babies and
sending kids to school and stuff.
Coming
from a small town, that is a normal course and people there have no problem
wrapping their heads around this kind of stuff, because, well in a small
community, family values are stronger than one would think. Yet, I find it that
the only family value regarded in my hometown is making a family and start
popping babies as soon as your body is physically ready.
I
tried to put myself in the shoes of those who had their babies first. I mean,
do I see myself having a pubescent kid who will soon enough be yelling and
picking up fights with me as he/she is going through their adolescent phase?
HELL TO THE NO. NO WAY. I don’t even see myself with a newborn baby of my own,
even if I’m at a more proper age for taking such a responsibility. (I’m excited
about my nephew, but I also feel like ‘YAY! A baby I can hold and see whenever
and stuff and it ain’t mine!’).
Talking
it over with my Mom, in her wise ways of trying to make a less judgmental
person out of me, she pointed out that the girls I was talking about chose to
have babies and chose those lives for themselves, but to be honest, I have to
refute that concept. How could a girl, of 14- 17 years know what she really
wants? Is it a true choice? Did they not know what else the world has to offer
other than 3 minutes of being uncomfortable (c’mon, at that age, with a horny
teenage boy no way it was going to feel like a joyful ride) and a lifetime of
raising a child?
I
also pictured what it would be like meeting them all again, say today, for
example. Yes, many things besides our goofy looks will be apparent that have
changed. And yet, I would still feel like the odd one out as I usually did back
then, for whatever reason, only this time it’d be because I’m not even remotely
close to having a family of my own. To their eyes, my being an independent
woman (as far as I can be, but I do live on my own) is nothing more than being
a lonely woman who hasn’t been able to catch a fella not even to fertilize one
of my eggs. Well, there’s a reason that hasn’t happened and that’s because I feel
I’m still too young and not ready for it. If that’s the case then, what were
they back then? Completely prepared zygotes? I wouldn’t want to give up on
choosing between a few pair of shoes for myself in order to choose shoes for
someone else. I’m too selfish still and me not having a baby is just nature’s
way of doing its job. Score for nature, right?
Maybe
it sounds harsh and as though I feel better about my life in comparison to that
of people I used to know, but I can’t help but feel grateful that the choices I’ve
made for myself have made it possible for me to have access to a lot more choices
in my future, say, if I’d like to travel somewhere or simply catch up on my
reading. It’s not things people with kids can’t do, but they have to factor in
a lot of considerations and stuff, and for the time being, I like considering
only me, as selfish as that may be.
So even if I’m still not there yet and missing
that piece in my life, who’s to say it would actually complete me? If anything I
feel complete already, only in constant growing process. I only have to grow
out of this selfish phase which comes with cute outfits, dare I say. It might
take a while.
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